I CAN'T FORCE MYSELF TO THINK A PRETTY BIG HANDICAP HUH

fuck off, m.hugo.

process is a c

never in my life will i need a thurible more than i did at about 8h42 today.
i'm okay with this.

perfect.

away for a week and now the internet is broken.
who needs blue that bright?
uses for horsehair.

more from the easily-amused files

yok gerçi sadme-i siteminden girizimiz
amma ki dest-i nazına zahmet değil midir

-nabi

context is aggregate.

no really

what has the english language ever done for us anyway

nothing. ever.

and now i'm home with 100% less chocolate than i've set out to acquire.

riddle me this

the longer i communicate with people the more obnoxious i become

(something stop me please before everyone i know hates me forever?)

which, while simple,

(last month, summary of)
mile wide steak

pls nao?

why aren't we three and certain we'll spend the rest of our lives seeing each other regularly

why isn't that something that is

text messages on the hour

there's a voice in my head that's basically me commenting on things

sometimes when i'm talking i'll realize i can't get at it

like i can't put two different sets of thoughts into sentences at the same time

and panic in the middle of a conversation

other times people'll hand me a bunch of riddles and start pacing

and it's just like listening to a really boring person

like i really really want to think of other things but can't quite

it is ju u u u u u u u ust

MEH, SPORT. I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU

and other such soulcrushing things

i know

i know i should think about things

psych myself up

and only then do them

and for god's sake be quick about it

but

yeah

okay

i'm doing this doodlething and it's so comforting and lovely i can't stand it - so when it's finished [redacted]

why yes we are first world according to the historical definition

someone a couple decades older than me i used to see daily ten years ago has sent me a friend request on a social networking site man this is a boring sentence and at first i was flattered but this is a person who's looked me in the eye and said they were singling me out for some reason* and could i not tell anyone maybe please?** as i stood there & realized coloured contacts weren't perfect and now she's looked at my profile and saw

1. the name of a school

2. some sad group photos

3. me being rude to people on my wall

clearly i've failed her and i can't see a polite way of telling her how i think made up inspirational stories and out of context quotes are crappy ways of getting people to love the world*** 

somehow i don't think i'll be answering that request anytime soon

*not in so many words

**i had puhtenshul, dammit!

***to be fair, you can't rise above things without being exposed to them & the earlier the better.
this post is actually brought to you by my currently very sadomasochistic(america america america)relationship with beat poetry. i wonder when i'll get over beat poetry.

i want to change the world. but instead.

CAVEAT RECTOR

so you were at certain places at certain times and then you weren't and then they put me in this building where you were kind of everywhere but then you were there and there was a real actual point in space where you were at and i had spent all day asking you questions like i used to do only before it was oh why are you there oh what are you thinking oh is it because there are too many corners in your eyes and now it's all how did you do it

small mercies

well of course i'd love to dump it all on you when you're least expecting it and don't have time and whatever else but i'm a better person now  my jaw hurts  it'd just be weird okay
i'm glad we've had this conversation

a masterclass in notetaking

 





eta hes not alive anymore

"arid."

clearing my drafts & taking vanity bolding to its logical conclusion:

our father who art a rhetorical device, let us not get carried away by flippancy. give us the will to keep our heads slightly bent at all times, the patience to walk excruciatingly slowly, and the strength to work hard on things other people have decided we should work hard at. (...) the ignorant, the misguided and the trivia lover as well as those not blessed with the gift of communicating scientific ideas without failing the giggle test. (...) let us not get apprehensive about ingesting our fellow creatures but watch over us as we do. (...) and the darkness of the night.

.

good thing cycling isn't as popular as football (...) all season every season.
.

when there were verifiable statements they were factually correct, but that's not what the word means, is it? (...) throw at each other to see what happens (...) i suspect i will forever be looking for the kind of kick you get out of being so gloriously self-indulgently insensitively full of shit.
.

swimming sunbathing peoplewatching (...) in seaside establishments (...) wonders if she has body image issues, but everyone has body image issues before they fix them. so it's more like she has laziness issues. or possibly cynicism issues.(...) because bad people can get in her locked house and do bad things except they can't, not statistically. (...) skip the "do things with your friends" step due to unforseen circumstances. (...) a bit like trying to keep your bookshelves tidy in its not-happening-in-the-real-worldness. (...) because she doesn't earn it and what does she know, really (...) saying things that just aren't said out loud so maybe she needs all the help she can get to guard her self-whatever. 

.
not to sound ungrateful, but why is his enjolras a cross between jackharkness and johnsheppard, again? (...) omg you guys markcavendish and pippamiddleton just sang a duet or was it bingo no it was nickjonas omg (...) next to the complete&utter valjeanness of joj&colm (...) the distinct lack of DCA-mouthing-the-words shots.
.

at the risk of sounding crazy with all this color talk i'd like to note i'm a really weird color right now. i'm also having dental work done and it's taking a long time and i'm not in physical pain anymore now but i will be next week today and i would enjoy this much more if i wanted to lose weight and it's really weird how though i know there's no way i will starve to death i still keep eating even when it's really not worth the effort (except it's not weird at all). something's happened and now i can't decide if i should be feeling oh-so-self-righteous or like a manipulative bitch. i keep thinking if they're not bright enough to see i'm right like me it's not a huge loss anyway, ouch.

l'esprit de l'escalier

do i realize other people aren't me

no i don't

next question

careful

you wouldn't know a parisian café if it crawled up your arse would you no

did i think to thank them then no maybe we deserve each other

not impressed by your attempts to appear cute by denigrating my favourite branch of science

this is me judging you

tubes between us they are neon green and bubbling

scandalized you're scandalized

if you knew yesterday i was suspended in air with trucks coming at me and i couldn't breathe

well

would you like a pony to go with your circus act

it's alfred he's got the kiosk the bowtie the spanner the champagne*

don't forget the wheels you hear we want everything it's the only thing we want

they are moths so i say moths so they think of wooleating weirdos

they see everything disintegrate so pretty

all the time in the world

*if you have eyes please consider: how did you hear this word just now? is it how you always hear it? how much did this line annoy you and why? where are you from?

ain't no use in turnin on your light

the sky monday was partly cloudy. i have* since lost all faith in my ability to articulate things so that's as far as i dare go. some stuff in the sky however did get called my "grey, personal rainbow" by persons more poetic than me. because i'm a little(yellowishgreenish)grey. not argyric!but it's usually there when i look in the mirror.

i like reading about food i can't bring myself to eat. i remember (this before the internet) staring at a picture of a slice of lemon flan (garnished with cranberries) for at least ten minutes; it was the prettiest most sophisticated looking thing i'd ever seen. now i can say i've tasted it and it was absolutely revolting** and i still don't get how people can eat eggs and look at me like i'm the weird one.

the only novel i've ever bought from a bookstore the way people normally buy fiction just won his author a shitload of money! (was quite pretty too.) this makes me so happy you'd think i wrote it.

in-a-pickle/self-preservation punning contest. go.

*if i hadn't i'd also talk about how i watched the (thinkof whereweare inthesolarsystem) lunar eclipse (and the planes, don't forget the planes) on the beach listening to medsud~ for the first 2.5 times because i'm a genius and i always pick the right occasion.

**like thousands of esl students who had the same textbook, i still think this is a frequently used adjective. like, great, okay, bad, absolutely revolting.

andy est un garçon poli.

today i held in my hands a copy of kraftwerkstourdefrance on vinyl.
for ten seconds.
i feel very grownup now.

offmyheadthereisapath.

i can't think. i blame otherpeople.
yesterday. i am manic after spending the best part of the past week crying. and not bipolar manic or hormonal manic either. no sir, i have a reason! i'm thinking, oh, i have just jumped through a bureucratic hoop successfully! it was hard and i had to deal with (unreasonable and lazy) people, but i did it! go me!
then i come across this person who's previously stolen one of my childhood memories and recounted it in my words, and done other things like that. (they're currently #4 on my "i want to understand this person so much i can't even" list, but it's pretty hopeless. how do you understand a nice person? you don't. they just go around being nice.)
then i go somewhere where there are people. i strut my usual(!) annoyingly cheerful self around. no one has anything to say to anyone but we make do. still manic.
i come home and eat gummy loop things. glucose syrup! &c.
then i check my e-mail. for no apparent reason. i don't know why i am surprised, considering i've known with some certainty for some time that otherpeople were lazy and unreasonable and generally incompetent. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO THINK SINCE. THIS IS A PROBLEM.

new fandom, ahh. right now it's kind of the only thing keeping me sane, but STILL NOT THINKING LALALALA.

my sport is still a joke. (after sanseb i'm deleting all my bookmarks and feeds and things. hah! see you at the olympics, sport!)

my brain thinks all nicethingsyousay (i keep thinking they're called platitudes but they're not, but they're not, but they're not.) are interchangeable. i should be more worried about this.

i was going to write about transsib.

PSA.

want* your standardized test to be fair? allow people to retake it some other time than exactly one(two, three, four) menstrual cycle(s) later.

*not a given

(i've been increasing the entropy of the universe for this?)

the most beautiful sound i ever heard

GEORGE

R impianto & D olor

ten years from then let's talk about me.

i've been thinking how one of my nerve cells will be the last one of its kind to die.

off to sacrifice some more at the altar of sugar*. because everything else is unsafe.

*i have no idea if this is true.

(you don't want a world without food dyes either. you just don't know it yet.)

de profundis.

es only shows germany's(curling)matches, why? was there market research? what if both german teams happen to be made up of v. talented(ugly)&experienced(old) individuals and the sexiest thing i've ever seen on a tvset is thomasulsrud and his pants screaming "hoarrrd!", what then?

accountability weekend!

back when i thought new agers might have a point (those days of ignorance) i had read this book about something which may or may not be called chakra-yoga. if it saw me now it'd say i need to talk less, and from the heart.

finally sat down with duino elegies. mysticism as a rhetorical device!/annoying parts not near the end!/garymiranda! good. freud bad. we're here to say them, you see.

i've been recordkeeping (who has turned us around this way indeed). there's also the ip.

today there was this bike race. dh got three very basic things wrong. i need a plan for ptot day.

pyladivre

walking down the street on a sunlight high i get your smile ready. it meets a curious fate.

when home mariuszkwiecien makes me sit through things.

happens again two days later. this time a more complicated transaction.

for a glorious moment there

-ny-lon-i-swear-

have you heard? i have adult problems now.

pity there's nothing i can do except the close-your-eyes-wish-it-away. lecture the walls now and then.

lp8. monday13h20. was positively hollywood ft.cooperative sunrays, empty public spaces.

as if by magic

i admit i diss the ptot constantly here&everywhere and yet SAXO/IS/STARTING.

all is now forgiven (except the new&improved 1st stage: almost certainly means i'll miss l-b-l entirely. but then i suppose it's better than missing p-r entirely.)

in other news, i'm a spoiled brat who does none of the work required to make things happen in the real world.

and yet

i care about cycling

they keep harping on and on and on and on about tourism

and about how we are now in cycling's champions league

well guess what

cycling doesn't have a champions league

ask the man himself

so tell us pat, how hard did you have to try to make it appear so?

(and even if we took his vision seriously we'd still have one more level to go but who needs facts anyway)

on and on about how we'll be just like the tour, promise

(as if everyone that's going to read that newspaper are idiots that cannot fathom the existence of other bike races)

such a fantastically ignorant statement that it makes me want to smash things and cry and whatever it is that spoiled brats do

which reminds me i shouldn't take these things so seriously

you don't take these things seriously

i don't know how you do it

shouldn't people talk about things like these? but you need to establish goodwill first and how that happens i have no idea. i don't even know where in the net turkishpeopleinterestedincyclingofthewatchingkind go, or if such a place even exists. what's the point, besides, if i'm already convinced i know better & have an alarming tendency to assume other people are idiots and take refuge in the ivory tower of cycling wisdom that is my stupid brain, what then?

maybe i should just shut up.
make sure i don't starve in the not-so-near future.

i don't know how you do it.

breaking news

turkey officially hates cycling.

collegiate alpine skiing? really?

ten thousand years of peace.

i am sick of swings that are designed not to swing. with backs. armrests. slippery seats. cagelike contraptions to ensure little people don't slide out but everyone else perishes of somethingoother reflex. ones where a perfectly acceptable seat is attached to heavy five meter long chains.

and yet there i was (&feeling slightly uneasy because it was one of those moments when the real reality approaches to this romanticised version of itself where i wear hats and scarves and am endearingly quirky) listening to tju-tju (or, as some people [unless stats lie, more cycling-loving than you] may call it, txu-txu), watching the planes land, and if i didn't feel like i'm the most coordinated person to ever walk the earth like i do on more proficiently executed swings, well. it could be worse. i might have written a song about them.

there's this place where, let's say there is much circumambulation. it looks like the frickin' milky way. so warm and wide and floodlit and nice i can't handle it. (ask your own rhetorical question here.)

proud of my scientific attitude

maybe this was the roundup?

wasn't quite ready to go back to civilization yet
icky pavement out in full force as always, now with extra glass shard action!
(pay me i want to write a book about garbage; one of those a cultural history thingies.
there are a couple but i was thinking a little bit of everything; some science, some anthropology. as little environmentalism and anticonsumerism as possible. in awe of what we've done? the rest should be obvious anyway. or not. kinda thing.) i could swear it was trying to and icky yucky yuck what did you expect
no i'm not using your onion flavored covered walkway

(and now i want to read everything on everything up to & including the middle ages and i can't and i don't know anything me i'm so unnecessarily overexposed to all the enlightenment-progress wait til '48 and then i'm useless again)

and it was okay except when someone in a position of authority sighed long sufferingly and proceeded to tell me things i already know for ten minutes while i doodled furiously with a .9 mm pencil because stealing stationery is a gesture of affection.

and then i went out and bought one because you never know with people and an A4 legal pad i don't know what to do with and only then it was really okay. (if i'm ever in a position to name some children, they might either end up with the name of a pretty girl i knew who used to note down french vocabulary on an A5 legal pad or if there's a boy involved he's out of luck because he might just end up being called olaf.)

from the easily amused files we have
oreillettes > ooglegtranslate > atria

this a list:
realizing i'm still not comfortable wih the whole money concept.
realizing the moment i've become a fan of something was their finest hour. (at least we have the record books & the danophilia still.)
realizing what ipa is and what it isn't. (the letter l situation)
the thing about when exactly european capitals got paved streets.

tistis a roundup.

i want my native lanuage to have different words for a grammatical subject and a grammatical agent. i even suspect it does, in which case i want people to use them. i don't care if "agent of history" sounds like it should be thedoctor or indianajones or whoever. there's also "actor of history" but then it sounds like they're all pretending.

never be overly familiar with the source material if you want to be able to tell people about it. thought i'd learned that by now. (also see, "if you want to talk about fortifications that badly, you will talk about fortifications" ["do you want me to draw the PA wall for you?"] and "it's okay to insult people's intelligence")

i'm a genius. in other words, serendipity. autumn'11. a blog near you.

snailslow

blahblahblahsizeshapecolorblahblahDEFVNCTVS ESTblahblahblah

me: hehe, he's defunct!

*a few days later*

me: aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

because who else was defunct?

i did know the guy majored in classical studies, and yet

(if you say snailslow quickly too many times what do you)

i'll miss this the most

namely the sudden burst in productivity that gave us the conexperiment last june.
there is, for example, the saga of the covered walkway & icky pavement, but i haven't decided on the medium yet.


(nearly lost it today when i thought something was suggesting i produce a nonsibilant s.)
(yesitisicelandic. i'm afraid i'm not very good at it though.)
(at least it's far enough fromdanish that i can get my r's right, but i can't get rid of the mushy /ð/*.)


*my favourite sound ever.

person of action

in order to isolate whatever's making me extra obnoxious lately & get it out of my system i have
consumed a silly amount of chocolate
watched two (2) trashy historical dramas
made sure i'll be sleepier than usual tomorow
wrote three (3) paragraphs of my nothing-is-sacred ibrahimpaşa epic
it will work anyway.

ps. a.

something has landed thunklike on the cerebral end of the globber-UI as i see it &

I GOT MY STRIKETHROUGH. OH YES I DID.

you know you're a ... when

your favourite color is floodlit asphalt.