pretty early in the morning

i don't know. i have no way of knowing. i can't. very well. read minds. now. can i? it isn't cold, but evaporative cooling is a thing. i must've written it down somewhere, a lifetime ago; evaporative cooling: a thing. you can lead a horse to water, and you can make it drink, or not. maybe not. it's not even spring. it's the exact opposite of spring. i seem to have come up against some sort of duty? it's to win our wars.

un troupeau de morses & other stories

(now i can't really tell this story anywhere else because in my experience people tend to get unreasonably uncomfortable when they are forced to witness someone revealing weakness.)

when i attempted to move out and was forbidden my first instinct, and i'm not even saying i was 100% correct, was to think, of course you don't, because then you won't be able to continue abusing me. i can't overstate how monumental this was, because i had never framed our relationship in those terms before, and yet. something in the recesses of my brain had come up with the right conclusion.

back when i tried to go to therapy i would tell my therapist all the ways i was wrong in thinking the way i think. and this awareness can be a valuable tool, like if you're otherwise a moron.

but what kind of person dismisses a conversation as useless if their interlocutor doesn't tell them they're full of shit in the first minute of it? some people just aren't in the business of telling people they are full of shit, and that's okay.

it is hard to demand respect when you don't believe most people deserve it. but we do these things not because etc.

allergiagalleria

there is something to be said about being, well, happy and knowing, knowing you'll have to pay for it later, receptor by receptor. nothing like it.

là fra le nubi d'or!

hahahaha oh my god

verse chorus verse

me and 1 Corinthians 15:51, we go way back. i saw it first some ten years ago, it was an allusion, it didn't make any sense. i looked at it in context; the context was bullshit. it is a very beautiful phrase but the banality of the sentiment had always bothered me until finally, finally, the missing link was revealed via an audiobook of poems i had acquired, through questionable means, in a recent flight of literariness.

it's a poem (duh!) that perfectly describes what it's like to be a medical professional by galway kinnell which echoed in my head first as "dead! incorruptible!" which i thought was a biblical thing, like "every one of them for his own good" et cetera, except it wasn't. it wasn't a biblical thing at all, it was, in fact, "earth! invisible!" which is exactly almost the inverse, the reverse, the obverse of whatever paul's saying, it's man and his material things

and while the man without a doubt knows his rilke, i hesitate to say, well, anything. i'm not saying anything. it's just a thing that happened inside my head.

the lord is my shepherd, i shall not want.*

for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, i found myself listening to a choral recording of the (apparently) baha'i prayer "o god, my god, my beloved, my heart's desire."**

and for all i think about sexual frustration and religious belief daily, both separately and together, i've never considered the possibility of getting one's emotional kicks from god. i mean i had, but not like that.

because i was translating, er, something, and i hesitated over "i felt pantheistic then" and put an anatopic term as placeholder and did not stop to think, now, did i? when i thought god i never, ever thought object of adoration. (can you blame me?)

(there's the mother, the father, the bird, the knight: you'll notice none of these words rhyme with "lovelier".)

*the kjv is wise.
**there is a story that goes with this. it involves men on some desert journey and is therefore profoundly uninteresting.