i haven't been ovulating and i should take some progesterone but i'm afraid it's going to cause some sort of downward spiral so i keep putting it off.
i did it because i was afraid/because i was noble/because i was bored/because i had just walked through literal hell/because i couldn't stand your endless panicking for one more minute/(last, not least)because i can't even begin to (drumroll) conceptualize the promise of being less alone. now that i've obsessed about it for a month i sort of can? maybe? but that doesn't count, because nothing ever counts until they are turkish sentences. better yet: actions. as in, behavior. (haha, i can't even say it with a straight face.)
i came home and i couldn't straighten my legs. somewhere in there i spent two days with the absolute certainty that i was going to throw up any minute. there are still days where i can't listen to music, can't put milk in my coffee, can't wear my clothes. all in my quest to avoid pain, lol.
i keep misjudging how much discipline this takes. i've been conditioned to analyse! i've been trained to extrapolate! my whole life! i've learned to fear! i'm told i'm not supposed to do any of those things! i fail to do as i am told! now i hate myself! but i'm not supposed to do that either!
i made you fear, and now i have to forgive myself for it. forgive you, for being fucking useless. forgive myself again. i can't help being angry at this time. call back later.
you never play along when i'm angry, which, mad respect, bro.
if i can keep one thing, i'd like to keep that sky, please. apparently it brings out my eyes.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment